RAOC Gazette - page 85
Image details
| Corps | RAOC |
|---|---|
| Material type | Journals |
| Book page | |
| Chapter head | |
| Chapter key | |
| Chapter number | |
| Full title | RAOC Gazette |
| Page number | |
| Publication date | 1978 |
| Real page | |
| Colour | No |
| Grey | No |
| Early date | 1978 |
| Late date | 1978 |
| Transcription |
TOUR MANAGER by GARY SMITH Half backs, I have placed them last because they are the worst. They are essentially evil. During the match they are hammered by the opposition yet must lead the way in any attacking move by their team. If the game is lost they, as linkmen, must accept the majority of the blame. The smaller the half back the bigger social menace he be- comes. In the good old pre-tights days he was the suspender- flicker par excellence. When the enraged lady turned round the face she saw was that of the prop forward and he received the smack on the face. The stunted pimpernel was away searching for further conquests. A searching enquiry into the cause of any bar room brawl will find * twinkle toes' at the bottom of it. COMPARED with rugby players, fishermen are modest un- assuming types. Soon after a rugby tour wildly exaggerated stories begin to circulate concerning " incidents" on the tour. Wives hear these rumours at the Thrift Shop, hairdressers, from other wives, or from all three sources. When questioned, the player, being an honest, loyal and discreet club member, blames it all on the tour manager. [ have had many years experience as a tour manager and 1 am now accustomed to the fact that players 1 girl friends speak to me only once, wives not at all and my own wife only between May and September, There is no association or union catering for tour managers and thus no protection. 1 therefore offer the following guidelines for the young manager about to embark on his first tour. Meetings. Pay no attention to the minutes of any kind of meeting. Players inevitably unanimously vote in favour of a tour and of vast club expenditure—irrespective of the club's financial standing. Finance. All tour money must be paid in advance and is not under any circumstances refundable. In a fit of pique, after I had refused to refund his money, one player sent his wife's father, who was staying with him, to take his place. This ploy backfired on the player as his father-in-law was a first class physiotherapist, former county cap and a fine piano player- After that tour it was inevitable that the player's mother-in-law wasn't speaking to me! Administration. Never, but never, send tour details to a player's home address. Always send them to the office. It is not for me to ask why players teil their wives they have been detailed for an exercise so highly secret that no one must know of it when in fact they are going on a perfectly innocent rugby tour to Denmark. Keep the instructions simple—remember for whom you are writing. Threequarters will lose their copy, halfbacks will ignore it, the back row can read only with difficulty and the front five probably not at all. Players. Know your players. There are exceptions to every rule but the following types tend to be typical of their position. Front row. He spends his playing time grovelling in mud, wrestling with other sweaty bodies and working hard for a living. Socially he compensates by sitting peacefully in the bar re-living the one moment in the game when he made a surging run (complete with sidestep) for three yards. Dangerous only when roused, he dresses in a solid no- nonsense style, Second row. A victim of the John Wayne syndrome he wears biblically severe three piece suits with brown shoes and speaks in monosyllables. This he deems to be very masculine. His enemies put it down to undue pressure on the sides of the skull during the set scrum. Back row. On the field he hunts and destroys his opponents. Socially he favours white polo necked sweaters and Mexican moustaches. He drinks lager and lime and is shy with girls. Threequarters. For eighty minutes he glares hatefully at the others, mutters at the incompetence of his fellow threequarters and reviles the stupidity of his own back row. In the bar he drinks gin and tonic, wears stylish Italian suits, is a wow with the ladies but panics if they take his chatting up seriously. Full back. If anyone makes a mistake or misses a tackle on the field the full back usually pays for it. He soon learns self sufficiency and an immunity to criticism. On the social scene he buys his own drink, exudes an air of Steve McQueen confidence and is always missing when the coach is ready to leave. Amazingly enough, the scrum half is worshipped by the pack and the fly half by the threequarters. To succeed as tour manager you must have them both on your side. The opposition. When arranging your tour itinerary get the most difficult matches out of the way first. Leading medical authorities are conducting searching investigations into the rapid deterioration of the human body during rugby tours. I feel that it is due to the severe physical strain and mental stress of playing so many matches in so short a time. A wife, breaking the rules by speaking to me, suggested in very strong terms that it was due to other causes. Knowing that the lady is an avid reader of lurid fiction I decided, after being assisted to my feet, that she was being over emotional. There are advantages and disadvantages in playing an establishment' team. By ' establishment' I mean other Service units, police, fire brigade, civil service or religious colleges. The advantages lie in good organisation and club house facilities, cheap beer and any over boisterous activity is confined to a non-public area. The disadvantages are the embarrassment of signing one's own adjutant out of the local guardroom or the effect of the suspender flicking activity of the flyhalf on the Chief Constable's wife. 1 Establishment teams are also better at gamesmanship. 1 took a Jeam from Aden to play the French Foreign Legion in Djibouti. We left at dawn and one hour later were greeted by Gallic embraces from our immaculately uniformed opponents. A French breakfast included speeches which necessitated numerous toasts and the vin d'honneur, By 2 pm we felt rather tired so our compassionate hosts allowed us a couple of hours sleep in spartan airless rooms before the game. At kick off we noticed that the " opponents" who had greeted us were cheering wildly on the touchline. The hard, fit XV glaring at us over the halfway line were complete strangers. We lost the game—heavily! Henry VTTI would not have dared to enter the monasteries of one particular seminary we played in the North of England. Wild and fierce on the field they also expanded our repertoire of folk songs. Always include a shorthand writer in the party as new folk songs tend to be forgotten in the excitement of the evening. When playing against medical establishments always insist that the duty doctor in casualty carries out any necessary treat- ment One of my players lost his earlobe during an intense post-match discussion. It was late at night and rather than drag the weary duty doctor from his bed, a rugby playing GP gallantly agreed to leave the bar and stitch on the offending earlobe in the nearby casualty ward. My player said that he had felt no pain and arrived back in the clubhouse with his head swathed in bandages with instructions to report to his own doctor in a week's time to have the stitches removed. This he did and his doctor spoke highly of the professional standard of stitching but couldn't understand why the lobe had been stitched on back to front. Neither could the player's wife! Finally, as you do not expect to be believed by the kith and kin left at home, do not feel compelled to tell the truth— just ensure that everyone tells the same lie. 309 |
| Book number | R0246a |